Episode 7: Final Exams and After School Parties

Listen or download this episode: Episode 7

In this episode we explore the leaving exams and how parents can get involved in the process. Gabby looks at ways parents can find out and be involved in a students planning. We look at the many options available for study (looking at NSW Australia in particular) and more broadly at how best to parent during this time. We also look at the Schoolies Week which is the equivalent of Spring Break in the US and how to handle this time.

In this episode Gabby mentioned the following books by Marshall B Rosenberg:

• Non Violent Communication, by Marshall B Rosenberg
• Raising Children Compassionately: Parenting the Nonviolent Communication Way, by Marshall B Rosenberg

You may also be interested in these other books by Marshall B Rosenberg:

• Being Me, Loving You: A practical guide to extraordinary relationships, by Marshall B Rosenberg
• Speak Peace in a World of Conflict: What you say next will change your world, by Marshall B Rosenberg
• Getting Past the Pain Between Us: Healing and reconcilliation without compromise, by Marshall B Rosenberg
• We Can Work It Out: Resolving conflicts peacefully and powerfully, by Marshall B Rosenberg
• Teaching Children Compassionately: How Students and Teachers can succeed with Mutual Understanding, by Marshall B Rosenberg
• Life Enriching Education: Nonviolent Communication helps Schools improve performance, reduce conflict and Enhance relationships, by Marshall B Rosenberg
• The Heart of Social Change: How to make a difference in your world, by Marshall B Rosenberg
• Speaking Peace, by Marshall B Rosenberg

Episode 6 – Friends and the Internet

Listen or download this episode: http://media.libsyn.com/media/lifestylepodnetwork/ohbehave-episode6.mp3

There is no substitute for parental involvement and supervision when it comes to internet use.  While some internet monitoring software may block some sites, this software will tell you where your children have go

Some behavioural changes in your kids that may raise suspicion are:

1)      children spending large amounts of time on the internet
2)      children closing, minimising or hiding windows when you are nearby
3)      children becoming upset or secretive after being on the internet
4)      children start asking about unusual or mature subjects

 

SOFTWARE PRODUCTS TO MONITOR INTERNET USE

Here are some sites that offer internet management software, to reduce and manage your child’s internet use.

PARENTAL CONTROL BAR
http://www.parentalcontrolbar.org
A free downloadable service to prevent children accessing adult oriented websites.  Provided by WRAAC.

WEB ALLOW
http://www.weballow.com/
WebAllow is a parental access control utility that restricts viewing all but selected websites. This software allows you to preset a list of ‘approved’ websites.  Internet explorer will then display only those sites on the approved list.

NET NANNY HOME SUITE
http://www.netnanny.com/

Net Nanny blocks pornography and protects families and children. It provides web protection from the web and other areas of the web like download networks, chat rooms, instant messaging, FTP and email.  This software allows you to restrict your child’s time on the internet and comes with automatic updates to maintain a list of current restricted sites.

This list is not exhaustive, and should not be considered a recommendation or endorsement of the vendors or products listed here. You should make your own decisions about the suitability of these products and services.

Episode 5: Dealing with Puberty

Download or listen to this episode:

In this episode we answer a listener question on how to deal with teenagers as they are going through puberty.  If you have a question for Gabby or a particular problem you would like her to address, you can email your question to ohbehave@gabbymead.com.

This podcast is part of the Lifestyle PodNetwork and you’ll find more shows like this one at http://lifestylepodnetwork.com  Thanks for listening!

Episode 4: Ages and Stages of Youth Part 2

Listen to Episode 4: Ages and Stages of Youth – Part 2

Here are some of the specialists and books we mentioned in today’s show:

• Penelope Leach (wikipedia)

Some recommended reading from Penelope Leach

• Your Baby and Child (Penelope Leach)
• Babyhood (Penelope Leach)
• How Your Baby Learns (various authors including Penelope Leach)

To make sure you don’t miss another episode, subscribe to our podcasts using the links on this website, and you can find more podcasts like this one on the Lifestyle PodNetwork.

Episode 3: Ages and Stages of Youth

In this episode we are looking at the Ages and Stages of Youth, starting from your new born through to changes that happen in later stages.  This is the first part of a two part series which we will pick up again in the next episode.

Click the subscribe link to find out how to get new episodes of this podcast automatically, or use the quick subscribe links for itunes or zune.

Listen to Episode 3

  

Mentioned in this episode were:

Your Baby and Child: From Birth to Age Five (Revised Edition)
Penelope Leach

Brat Camp

My favourite TV program, Brat camp is back on ABC (Australia) at 8.30 on Tuesday nights. A group of very naughty teenage girls are sent from their homes in the UK to the Utah wilderness to undergo a radical program that will change their behaviour.

The thing with behaviour is that it’s a habit. We all know that if we’re used to having a delightful glass of chilled white wine (or what ever other alcoholic beverage you prefer) when preparing food for the family every night it’s very difficult to stop doing it for a period of time as it’s become habitual.

These young people are in the habit of behaving disrespectfully and when they do, certain things occur: their parents yell or give in to their whims but one thing is certain these girls have never had to live with consequences that cause the behaviour to change.

What kind of consequences would cause change I hear you ask?

Deprivation is the best consequence of all. If the behaviour is disrespectful the parent could say “ look you’re showing no respect so I’m not going to speak to you until you can speak nicely” or “you showed no respect for our things when you threw that chair so you’ll need to have a week of no computer“.

Parents of children with these outrageous behaviours almost always report difficulty in setting these tough limits. Let’s call it tough love because really, you are not doing them any favours by giving in. It may be peaceful for a minute but it will never improve the behaviour because why should anyone change if they have what they want after the tantrum?

On Brat Camp the girls can’t understand why the trainers don’t yell or get angry when the girls are disrespectful. The behaviour that worked at home is just not working here. The consequence is issued  and is felt by the person who caused it.

In my work with these most difficult children I had similar reactions. The student throwing the tantrum would often scream: “Why don’t you just yell or hit me!!”

The unexpected is confusing and they want to be able to control the adults in their world because they always could before, what’s wrong with you?

The heartening thing is that it’s never too late to change our parenting style but we must always remember to show respect to our children and young adults as the way we treat them we can expect in return.

As the song says “Every move you make/every breath you take/ I’ll be watching you”

Episode 2: Setting effective boundaries with children

Thanks for joining us for Episode 2 of Oh Behave! with Gabby Mead. We’ve had some great feedback from our first episode, and we’re going to answer some of your questions in our podcast today.

Listen to Episode 2 of Oh Behave! with Gabby Mead

In particular we’re looking at boundaries in detail. We take a look at the role of parents, are they there to please children or is their role to help children integrate and become productive members of society.

With practical examples, we examine how to work with your children to reinforce positive behavior and help the child understand they are part of the family unit.

We also look at the role of boundary setting in broken families as well and the unique challenges this particular situation can face.

It’s another big show on Oh Behave! today, and we hope you enjoy it. Don’t forget you can send us your feedback via the website at http://gabbymead.com/ or by email to ohbehave@gabbymead.com

Thanks for listening to the show today!

You can subscribe to the podcast and get all episodes as soon as they are released by downloading Apple iTunes free, installing this software, and then clicking our podcast subscribe link.

Is ODD the new ADD?

What does it all mean? The term Oppositional Defiant Disorder is heard more regularly these days.

What is it exactly? A pattern of negativistic, hostile, and defiant behaviour lasting at least 6 months, during which four (or more) of the following are present:

• often loses temper often argues with adults
• often actively defies or refuses to comply with adults’ requests or rules
• often deliberately annoys people
• often blames others for his or her mistakes or misbehaviour
• is often touchy or easily annoyed by others
• is often angry and resentful
• is often spiteful or vindictive

Now before you come to the swift conclusion that this is your child to a “T”, be sensible and get a referral from your GP to a clinical psychologist. I say see the GP first so that you make sure you rule out anything physical that may be impacting on the child and causing stress.

The key to dealing with these young people is to set limits with love. It sounds so cheesy and soft but it’s the toughest thing for a parent to do because it involves consistency and vigilance.

Here a few basic tips:

Offer two acceptable choices…..    

The aim is for the O.D.D. child to feel that he is in control. Try to ensure that you are happy with either choice.    

A choice between something you want (eg job that he needs to do) and a consequence (eg no play) is not a fair choice in the eyes of the child. For the strategy to work, both options must be acceptable to the child. eg  before dinner you’ll need to get one of these two things done, which would you like to do?    

The consequence comes into play if the child refuses to choose either option    

Use “you are in control” terminology eg well it seems you’re choosing to miss out on TV tonight, is that what you want?    

O.D.D. kids want to make sure no one is telling them what to do.          

“It’s up to you what happens next” is the kind of language to use.  Encourage the awareness that if they don’t make a choice there will be a consequence. Show them good social skills and avoid the temptation to yell or display anger.

In times of conflict    

• Walk away for a definite time to a definite place
• Limit debates
• Avoid standoffs
• Use tactical ignoring

With many of the disturbed youngsters I meet in my work it’s not so much a matter of won’t behave it’s a matter of can’t behave! There has simply been no modeling of socially appropriate behaviour in their young lives.

One kindergarten boy I worked with recently used to approach other students and hit them in a bid to make social contact. He had a limited vocabulary but was reasonably fluent in four letter words.

Good luck!

 

Setting limits for teenagers

During the podcast I mentioned the fear and trepidation most of us feel when our precious teenagers want to go to a beach party at night. I think it’s fair to mention at this stage that the kind of success you’ll have setting limits for your young folk will be related to the quality of the relationship that you have with them.

We can so easily send them off in a rage with cries of “You don’t understand me!!” Recently I worked with a family who were having all kinds of problems with their 15 year old daughter, Kelly.*

They were at their wit’s end as she held them to ransom with her demands and had frightened them with her foul language and violence both at home and at school. She had been suspended for violence.

As we all sat around the table together I acted as a mediator for them to express what it was they wanted. The parents wanted the foul language and violence to stop AND for her to keep her room clean and be on time for the bus. I watched Kelly’s face and could feel her frustration growing and along with it , her anger.

I asked her what she wanted and, typically adolescent, she replied “I want them to leave me alone.”

Let’s unpack what’s happening here:

We have frustration on both sides of the conflict and we need to have an outcome that pleases everyone. It would seem we need to have some give and take in these situations.

I asked the parents if they were willing to forgo the clean room if she agreed to keep the door closed and to have no food in there.

I then asked Kelly if, in exchange for them leaving off about the room and the late nights, she would be able to cut back on the foul language and to stop the violence. She agreed.

What was needed now was agreement on both sides to stick to the agreement and for the parents to praise (but not in an over the top creepy way) how well she was going.

SUCCESS and after only one visit and follow up emails!!

Also some suggested reading; Michael Carr Gregg on Adolescence especially the chapter on communication.

As an aside I said to Kelly “You know, if you keep going you might find yourself out of home and I’m here to tell you I know lots of homeless 15-18 year old girls and it’s not a pretty life! These are nice people that you live with. Be nice to them because I reckon you have a lot going for you.”

I’m a big fan of the “talk” because too many people are intimidated by aggressive teenagers. They don’t need to be threatened as this will send them off into their trench to plan more terrorist activities. You can’t make them do anything but you CAN influence them, especially if they like you.

Last year Kelly was elected school captain and she is sitting for her HSC this year.

Had the parents continued to be hard on her and to try to force her to tow-the-line, it would’ve ended in tears.

Adolescents need limits set with love but parents need to negotiate a favourable outcome so that the young person experiences a little success in establishing themselves as an adult with P plates on!

*Names have been changed

Our Kids are in Trouble

Young people running amok with street violence on the rise and an increase in violent crime.

Certainly not the kind of news we want to hear about in our Hunter region but increasingly we hear stories from family and friends of these events. Children as young as 11 are out late at night running around and causing havoc.

Neil Jameson (Newcastle Herald 9/2/08) asks the obvious question:

Why is an 11 year old on the street at that hour? Where are their parents?

The answer in this case was that the mother of this 11 year old was allegedly drunk when she picked him up and hurled urine at police.

Many schoolteachers in our Hunter schools would not be surprised at these kinds of allegations and many have been victims themselves of parental violence. I’ve attended many meetings with parents of violent students who were under the influence of alcohol at 10 in the morning.

I know of one primary school principal who was punched in the face by a parent because she had suspended the son for violence. Several years ago a teacher was stabbed by a student and later died.

I have worked in schools across NSW as a teacher of students with behaviour disorders for the past 30 years. Labels such as: ODD; Oppositional Defiant Disorder and CD Conduct disorder are becoming increasingly common in our NSW schools.

In most cases the parents of these most difficult children, i.e. those with diagnosis Conduct Disorder have a history themselves of opposition to authority

Many of the Aboriginal parents of children that fall in these categories were victims themselves of our nation’s policy to remove children from their parents thus creating an entire generation who had no parental love and parental limit setting or any first hand experience of family life with many reporting abuse at the hands of their carers.

It all seems so hopeless and depressing and many community members are calling for a tough stance from policy makers. It was heartening to read a report on recent research by Michael Currie (Sydney Morning Herald 9-19th Feb) who thinks that “consumerism and a growing culture of entitlement may be fuelling adolescent frustration.”

Without exception, the young people I meet in my work because of their behavioural problems, have heaps of stuff : mobile phones, mp3 players, DVD and CD players and regular doses of junk food.

Rarely are these things contingent upon good behaviour, they are often used as bribes or to assuage parental guilt related to substance abuse or violence.