During the podcast I mentioned the fear and trepidation most of us feel when our precious teenagers want to go to a beach party at night. I think it’s fair to mention at this stage that the kind of success you’ll have setting limits for your young folk will be related to the quality of the relationship that you have with them.
We can so easily send them off in a rage with cries of “You don’t understand me!!” Recently I worked with a family who were having all kinds of problems with their 15 year old daughter, Kelly.*
They were at their wit’s end as she held them to ransom with her demands and had frightened them with her foul language and violence both at home and at school. She had been suspended for violence.
As we all sat around the table together I acted as a mediator for them to express what it was they wanted. The parents wanted the foul language and violence to stop AND for her to keep her room clean and be on time for the bus. I watched Kelly’s face and could feel her frustration growing and along with it , her anger.
I asked her what she wanted and, typically adolescent, she replied “I want them to leave me alone.”
Let’s unpack what’s happening here:
We have frustration on both sides of the conflict and we need to have an outcome that pleases everyone. It would seem we need to have some give and take in these situations.
I asked the parents if they were willing to forgo the clean room if she agreed to keep the door closed and to have no food in there.
I then asked Kelly if, in exchange for them leaving off about the room and the late nights, she would be able to cut back on the foul language and to stop the violence. She agreed.
What was needed now was agreement on both sides to stick to the agreement and for the parents to praise (but not in an over the top creepy way) how well she was going.
SUCCESS and after only one visit and follow up emails!!
Also some suggested reading; Michael Carr Gregg on Adolescence especially the chapter on communication.
As an aside I said to Kelly “You know, if you keep going you might find yourself out of home and I’m here to tell you I know lots of homeless 15-18 year old girls and it’s not a pretty life! These are nice people that you live with. Be nice to them because I reckon you have a lot going for you.”
I’m a big fan of the “talk” because too many people are intimidated by aggressive teenagers. They don’t need to be threatened as this will send them off into their trench to plan more terrorist activities. You can’t make them do anything but you CAN influence them, especially if they like you.
Last year Kelly was elected school captain and she is sitting for her HSC this year.
Had the parents continued to be hard on her and to try to force her to tow-the-line, it would’ve ended in tears.
Adolescents need limits set with love but parents need to negotiate a favourable outcome so that the young person experiences a little success in establishing themselves as an adult with P plates on!
*Names have been changed
