Episode 7: Final Exams and After School Parties

Listen or download this episode: Episode 7

In this episode we explore the leaving exams and how parents can get involved in the process. Gabby looks at ways parents can find out and be involved in a students planning. We look at the many options available for study (looking at NSW Australia in particular) and more broadly at how best to parent during this time. We also look at the Schoolies Week which is the equivalent of Spring Break in the US and how to handle this time.

In this episode Gabby mentioned the following books by Marshall B Rosenberg:

• Non Violent Communication, by Marshall B Rosenberg
• Raising Children Compassionately: Parenting the Nonviolent Communication Way, by Marshall B Rosenberg

You may also be interested in these other books by Marshall B Rosenberg:

• Being Me, Loving You: A practical guide to extraordinary relationships, by Marshall B Rosenberg
• Speak Peace in a World of Conflict: What you say next will change your world, by Marshall B Rosenberg
• Getting Past the Pain Between Us: Healing and reconcilliation without compromise, by Marshall B Rosenberg
• We Can Work It Out: Resolving conflicts peacefully and powerfully, by Marshall B Rosenberg
• Teaching Children Compassionately: How Students and Teachers can succeed with Mutual Understanding, by Marshall B Rosenberg
• Life Enriching Education: Nonviolent Communication helps Schools improve performance, reduce conflict and Enhance relationships, by Marshall B Rosenberg
• The Heart of Social Change: How to make a difference in your world, by Marshall B Rosenberg
• Speaking Peace, by Marshall B Rosenberg

Episode 3: Ages and Stages of Youth

In this episode we are looking at the Ages and Stages of Youth, starting from your new born through to changes that happen in later stages.  This is the first part of a two part series which we will pick up again in the next episode.

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Listen to Episode 3

  

Mentioned in this episode were:

Your Baby and Child: From Birth to Age Five (Revised Edition)
Penelope Leach

Brat Camp

My favourite TV program, Brat camp is back on ABC (Australia) at 8.30 on Tuesday nights. A group of very naughty teenage girls are sent from their homes in the UK to the Utah wilderness to undergo a radical program that will change their behaviour.

The thing with behaviour is that it’s a habit. We all know that if we’re used to having a delightful glass of chilled white wine (or what ever other alcoholic beverage you prefer) when preparing food for the family every night it’s very difficult to stop doing it for a period of time as it’s become habitual.

These young people are in the habit of behaving disrespectfully and when they do, certain things occur: their parents yell or give in to their whims but one thing is certain these girls have never had to live with consequences that cause the behaviour to change.

What kind of consequences would cause change I hear you ask?

Deprivation is the best consequence of all. If the behaviour is disrespectful the parent could say “ look you’re showing no respect so I’m not going to speak to you until you can speak nicely” or “you showed no respect for our things when you threw that chair so you’ll need to have a week of no computer“.

Parents of children with these outrageous behaviours almost always report difficulty in setting these tough limits. Let’s call it tough love because really, you are not doing them any favours by giving in. It may be peaceful for a minute but it will never improve the behaviour because why should anyone change if they have what they want after the tantrum?

On Brat Camp the girls can’t understand why the trainers don’t yell or get angry when the girls are disrespectful. The behaviour that worked at home is just not working here. The consequence is issued  and is felt by the person who caused it.

In my work with these most difficult children I had similar reactions. The student throwing the tantrum would often scream: “Why don’t you just yell or hit me!!”

The unexpected is confusing and they want to be able to control the adults in their world because they always could before, what’s wrong with you?

The heartening thing is that it’s never too late to change our parenting style but we must always remember to show respect to our children and young adults as the way we treat them we can expect in return.

As the song says “Every move you make/every breath you take/ I’ll be watching you”

Is ODD the new ADD?

What does it all mean? The term Oppositional Defiant Disorder is heard more regularly these days.

What is it exactly? A pattern of negativistic, hostile, and defiant behaviour lasting at least 6 months, during which four (or more) of the following are present:

• often loses temper often argues with adults
• often actively defies or refuses to comply with adults’ requests or rules
• often deliberately annoys people
• often blames others for his or her mistakes or misbehaviour
• is often touchy or easily annoyed by others
• is often angry and resentful
• is often spiteful or vindictive

Now before you come to the swift conclusion that this is your child to a “T”, be sensible and get a referral from your GP to a clinical psychologist. I say see the GP first so that you make sure you rule out anything physical that may be impacting on the child and causing stress.

The key to dealing with these young people is to set limits with love. It sounds so cheesy and soft but it’s the toughest thing for a parent to do because it involves consistency and vigilance.

Here a few basic tips:

Offer two acceptable choices…..    

The aim is for the O.D.D. child to feel that he is in control. Try to ensure that you are happy with either choice.    

A choice between something you want (eg job that he needs to do) and a consequence (eg no play) is not a fair choice in the eyes of the child. For the strategy to work, both options must be acceptable to the child. eg  before dinner you’ll need to get one of these two things done, which would you like to do?    

The consequence comes into play if the child refuses to choose either option    

Use “you are in control” terminology eg well it seems you’re choosing to miss out on TV tonight, is that what you want?    

O.D.D. kids want to make sure no one is telling them what to do.          

“It’s up to you what happens next” is the kind of language to use.  Encourage the awareness that if they don’t make a choice there will be a consequence. Show them good social skills and avoid the temptation to yell or display anger.

In times of conflict    

• Walk away for a definite time to a definite place
• Limit debates
• Avoid standoffs
• Use tactical ignoring

With many of the disturbed youngsters I meet in my work it’s not so much a matter of won’t behave it’s a matter of can’t behave! There has simply been no modeling of socially appropriate behaviour in their young lives.

One kindergarten boy I worked with recently used to approach other students and hit them in a bid to make social contact. He had a limited vocabulary but was reasonably fluent in four letter words.

Good luck!