My favourite TV program, Brat camp is back on ABC (Australia) at 8.30 on Tuesday nights. A group of very naughty teenage girls are sent from their homes in the UK to the Utah wilderness to undergo a radical program that will change their behaviour.
The thing with behaviour is that it’s a habit. We all know that if we’re used to having a delightful glass of chilled white wine (or what ever other alcoholic beverage you prefer) when preparing food for the family every night it’s very difficult to stop doing it for a period of time as it’s become habitual.
These young people are in the habit of behaving disrespectfully and when they do, certain things occur: their parents yell or give in to their whims but one thing is certain these girls have never had to live with consequences that cause the behaviour to change.
What kind of consequences would cause change I hear you ask?
Deprivation is the best consequence of all. If the behaviour is disrespectful the parent could say “ look you’re showing no respect so I’m not going to speak to you until you can speak nicely” or “you showed no respect for our things when you threw that chair so you’ll need to have a week of no computer“.
Parents of children with these outrageous behaviours almost always report difficulty in setting these tough limits. Let’s call it tough love because really, you are not doing them any favours by giving in. It may be peaceful for a minute but it will never improve the behaviour because why should anyone change if they have what they want after the tantrum?
On Brat Camp the girls can’t understand why the trainers don’t yell or get angry when the girls are disrespectful. The behaviour that worked at home is just not working here. The consequence is issued and is felt by the person who caused it.
In my work with these most difficult children I had similar reactions. The student throwing the tantrum would often scream: “Why don’t you just yell or hit me!!”
The unexpected is confusing and they want to be able to control the adults in their world because they always could before, what’s wrong with you?
The heartening thing is that it’s never too late to change our parenting style but we must always remember to show respect to our children and young adults as the way we treat them we can expect in return.
As the song says “Every move you make/every breath you take/ I’ll be watching you”
