Episode 7: Final Exams and After School Parties

Listen or download this episode: Episode 7

In this episode we explore the leaving exams and how parents can get involved in the process. Gabby looks at ways parents can find out and be involved in a students planning. We look at the many options available for study (looking at NSW Australia in particular) and more broadly at how best to parent during this time. We also look at the Schoolies Week which is the equivalent of Spring Break in the US and how to handle this time.

In this episode Gabby mentioned the following books by Marshall B Rosenberg:

• Non Violent Communication, by Marshall B Rosenberg
• Raising Children Compassionately: Parenting the Nonviolent Communication Way, by Marshall B Rosenberg

You may also be interested in these other books by Marshall B Rosenberg:

• Being Me, Loving You: A practical guide to extraordinary relationships, by Marshall B Rosenberg
• Speak Peace in a World of Conflict: What you say next will change your world, by Marshall B Rosenberg
• Getting Past the Pain Between Us: Healing and reconcilliation without compromise, by Marshall B Rosenberg
• We Can Work It Out: Resolving conflicts peacefully and powerfully, by Marshall B Rosenberg
• Teaching Children Compassionately: How Students and Teachers can succeed with Mutual Understanding, by Marshall B Rosenberg
• Life Enriching Education: Nonviolent Communication helps Schools improve performance, reduce conflict and Enhance relationships, by Marshall B Rosenberg
• The Heart of Social Change: How to make a difference in your world, by Marshall B Rosenberg
• Speaking Peace, by Marshall B Rosenberg

Episode 5: Dealing with Puberty

Download or listen to this episode:

In this episode we answer a listener question on how to deal with teenagers as they are going through puberty.  If you have a question for Gabby or a particular problem you would like her to address, you can email your question to ohbehave@gabbymead.com.

This podcast is part of the Lifestyle PodNetwork and you’ll find more shows like this one at http://lifestylepodnetwork.com  Thanks for listening!

Episode 4: Ages and Stages of Youth Part 2

Listen to Episode 4: Ages and Stages of Youth – Part 2

Here are some of the specialists and books we mentioned in today’s show:

• Penelope Leach (wikipedia)

Some recommended reading from Penelope Leach

• Your Baby and Child (Penelope Leach)
• Babyhood (Penelope Leach)
• How Your Baby Learns (various authors including Penelope Leach)

To make sure you don’t miss another episode, subscribe to our podcasts using the links on this website, and you can find more podcasts like this one on the Lifestyle PodNetwork.

Brat Camp

My favourite TV program, Brat camp is back on ABC (Australia) at 8.30 on Tuesday nights. A group of very naughty teenage girls are sent from their homes in the UK to the Utah wilderness to undergo a radical program that will change their behaviour.

The thing with behaviour is that it’s a habit. We all know that if we’re used to having a delightful glass of chilled white wine (or what ever other alcoholic beverage you prefer) when preparing food for the family every night it’s very difficult to stop doing it for a period of time as it’s become habitual.

These young people are in the habit of behaving disrespectfully and when they do, certain things occur: their parents yell or give in to their whims but one thing is certain these girls have never had to live with consequences that cause the behaviour to change.

What kind of consequences would cause change I hear you ask?

Deprivation is the best consequence of all. If the behaviour is disrespectful the parent could say “ look you’re showing no respect so I’m not going to speak to you until you can speak nicely” or “you showed no respect for our things when you threw that chair so you’ll need to have a week of no computer“.

Parents of children with these outrageous behaviours almost always report difficulty in setting these tough limits. Let’s call it tough love because really, you are not doing them any favours by giving in. It may be peaceful for a minute but it will never improve the behaviour because why should anyone change if they have what they want after the tantrum?

On Brat Camp the girls can’t understand why the trainers don’t yell or get angry when the girls are disrespectful. The behaviour that worked at home is just not working here. The consequence is issued  and is felt by the person who caused it.

In my work with these most difficult children I had similar reactions. The student throwing the tantrum would often scream: “Why don’t you just yell or hit me!!”

The unexpected is confusing and they want to be able to control the adults in their world because they always could before, what’s wrong with you?

The heartening thing is that it’s never too late to change our parenting style but we must always remember to show respect to our children and young adults as the way we treat them we can expect in return.

As the song says “Every move you make/every breath you take/ I’ll be watching you”

Episode 2: Setting effective boundaries with children

Thanks for joining us for Episode 2 of Oh Behave! with Gabby Mead. We’ve had some great feedback from our first episode, and we’re going to answer some of your questions in our podcast today.

Listen to Episode 2 of Oh Behave! with Gabby Mead

In particular we’re looking at boundaries in detail. We take a look at the role of parents, are they there to please children or is their role to help children integrate and become productive members of society.

With practical examples, we examine how to work with your children to reinforce positive behavior and help the child understand they are part of the family unit.

We also look at the role of boundary setting in broken families as well and the unique challenges this particular situation can face.

It’s another big show on Oh Behave! today, and we hope you enjoy it. Don’t forget you can send us your feedback via the website at http://gabbymead.com/ or by email to ohbehave@gabbymead.com

Thanks for listening to the show today!

You can subscribe to the podcast and get all episodes as soon as they are released by downloading Apple iTunes free, installing this software, and then clicking our podcast subscribe link.

Setting limits for teenagers

During the podcast I mentioned the fear and trepidation most of us feel when our precious teenagers want to go to a beach party at night. I think it’s fair to mention at this stage that the kind of success you’ll have setting limits for your young folk will be related to the quality of the relationship that you have with them.

We can so easily send them off in a rage with cries of “You don’t understand me!!” Recently I worked with a family who were having all kinds of problems with their 15 year old daughter, Kelly.*

They were at their wit’s end as she held them to ransom with her demands and had frightened them with her foul language and violence both at home and at school. She had been suspended for violence.

As we all sat around the table together I acted as a mediator for them to express what it was they wanted. The parents wanted the foul language and violence to stop AND for her to keep her room clean and be on time for the bus. I watched Kelly’s face and could feel her frustration growing and along with it , her anger.

I asked her what she wanted and, typically adolescent, she replied “I want them to leave me alone.”

Let’s unpack what’s happening here:

We have frustration on both sides of the conflict and we need to have an outcome that pleases everyone. It would seem we need to have some give and take in these situations.

I asked the parents if they were willing to forgo the clean room if she agreed to keep the door closed and to have no food in there.

I then asked Kelly if, in exchange for them leaving off about the room and the late nights, she would be able to cut back on the foul language and to stop the violence. She agreed.

What was needed now was agreement on both sides to stick to the agreement and for the parents to praise (but not in an over the top creepy way) how well she was going.

SUCCESS and after only one visit and follow up emails!!

Also some suggested reading; Michael Carr Gregg on Adolescence especially the chapter on communication.

As an aside I said to Kelly “You know, if you keep going you might find yourself out of home and I’m here to tell you I know lots of homeless 15-18 year old girls and it’s not a pretty life! These are nice people that you live with. Be nice to them because I reckon you have a lot going for you.”

I’m a big fan of the “talk” because too many people are intimidated by aggressive teenagers. They don’t need to be threatened as this will send them off into their trench to plan more terrorist activities. You can’t make them do anything but you CAN influence them, especially if they like you.

Last year Kelly was elected school captain and she is sitting for her HSC this year.

Had the parents continued to be hard on her and to try to force her to tow-the-line, it would’ve ended in tears.

Adolescents need limits set with love but parents need to negotiate a favourable outcome so that the young person experiences a little success in establishing themselves as an adult with P plates on!

*Names have been changed

Oh Behave!

I’ve just come out of the recording studio where we’ve just finished recording the first episode of my brand new podcast Oh Behave! The podcast is all about positive parenting, building self esteem and quality relationships.

The first episode will out in a week or so. I’m very excited about this adventure and I look forward to sharing the journey and writing this story together.

Listen to my podcast promo

There will be an opportunity to ask your questions on the show. Email me your questions to ohbehave@gabbymead.com

Until next time, keep yourself nice!

Gabby